The Lord recently showed me that I have been putting my abandonment issues onto Him, I am codependent and have an insecure attachment.

I have been working on my codependency for some time now.

But its progress not perfection baby!

I am seeing and expecting Him to do what has been done to me in the past by people who were supposed to care for me.

My insecurities are loud, and I projected this onto many people.

One of those people is my husband.

Picking and starting fights with him because I felt I had to get him before he got me, in a sense. I investigated every little detail he said or did and scrutinized it out of fear, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

In my mind, I had to be hyper-vigilant so I could foresee the downfall and issues of our relationship and prepare myself for it.  I made up scenarios, letting those thoughts run wild, and sent myself into a complete tailspin. Of course, this put a significant strain on our relationship. He began putting up walls and resenting me. And in doing so, it only fueled and affirmed what I already felt even more.

I can see now that I was highly co-dependent throughout my life.

Codependency is defined as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner. A condition in which a person manifesting low self-esteem and a strong desire for approval has an unhealthy attachment to another, often controlling or manipulative person.   

The five common traits of codependency are Low self-esteem, people-pleasing behaviors, difficulty setting boundaries, caretaking, and dependency.

Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.

Oy! That is a gut punch.

I had prided myself on being independent and resilient. Being able to be strong for others, while putting my needs last.

Unfortunately, by always putting others first, I taught them that I came last, and they treated me accordingly.

To learn that I had been codependent my entire life in some form or another was a bitter pill to swallow. I grew up way too fast and learned some very unhealthy habits. What I had done in traumatic situations (or in survival mode) to make it through was not only no longer serving me but was now detrimental to my growth and development.

I had to have some tough conversations with my husband. I had to be vulnerable, admit, and apologize for the toxic things I had done to him because of what other people did to me in the past.  I also had to be super honest with him about things he had done to me. This hurt him knowing something he did, even if sometimes it was unintentional, hurt me to my core. I don’t ever want to hurt anyone’s feelings. And even though I wasn’t being malicious, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings with my truth. I wanted to swallow what he did and shove it down to avoid the conversation all together. That was even harder for me to do than admitting and apologizing for my toxicity in our relationship.

I never thought I was doing this in my relationship and walk with Jesus, but He showed me that the way I viewed our relationship was tainted.

I saw it as, “If I don’t, you won’t.”

If I am not in my word daily, you won’t talk to me.

If I don’t tithe and go above and beyond, you won’t take care of me financially.

If I don’t. You won’t.

This probably stemmed from the fact that I am the oldest of 5 and took on a ton of emotional responsibility.

If I didn’t feed my siblings, they didn’t eat.

If I didn’t change that diaper, it didn’t get changed.

If I don’t protect them, no one will.

Feeling like I had to carry all the emotional weight of the household is far too much for anyone, let alone a child.

This led to weak boundaries and tons of people-pleasing.

Cue becoming codependent.

I learned not to ask for my wants and needs because they wouldn’t be met, or I would get a negative emotional response.

Fast forward to today.

I still find it hard to ask for my needs because I believe they won’t be met.

I fear the reaction I will get.

I feel like I am asking too much.

I feel like I am not good enough.

So, I learned how to be hyper-independent.

This is called a trauma response.

I am treating my relationship with Jesus like any other relationship I have had. But He isn’t like anyone else. His love is perfect.

Having many codependent relationships, I didn’t know what a healthy relationship honestly looked like.

I was called. He wanted me. So much so, that he gave his life for me. Knowing every stupid and terrible thing I would do and say didn’t matter to him when it came to loving me. I can’t earn his love. Nothing I do can make him love me any more or any less. Nothing I do can mess up the plan he has for my life. He will legit use my mistakes and failures to work into his plan for me.  Nothing I do could make Jesus not want me.

He doesn’t regret what he did for me on that cross. He isn’t going to get tired of me. He won’t one day realize I am too much and decide I’m not worth it anymore.

He knows who I am, and he knows my heart.  

He calls me worthy and He is proud of me.

That is called identity.

I am not who the world or the people of it say I am.

I am not even what I sometimes say to myself I am.

I am who He says I am.

With all that said, I don’t automatically stop being codependent now that I see that I am.

It is a work every day.

When intrusive thoughts come rolling in, saying to me, “Do more, you’re not good enough, and doing way too much.”

I catch and remind myself what He says, both what I am and what I am not.

I’m not worthless.

I’m not hated or disliked.

I’m not condemned.

I’m not useless.

I am blessed.

I am loved.

I am beautiful.

I am worthwhile.

I am deserving.

I am worthy.

I. AM. HIS.

I don’t always catch it immediately, but I’m getting better at catching it quicker than I did.

I still sometimes think, I didn’t read my word today, He is mad at me.

I sat in my anger for too long, he is disappointed with me.

I messed up again; he is frustrated because I can’t get it right.

Thankfully He is the same yesterday, today, and forever.

We will never be perfect and shouldn’t try to be.

He is perfect.

If we could ever get to a point where we didn’t make mistakes and were perfect, He wouldn’t have had to lay His life down for ours.

He hasn’t abandoned me and will never leave or forsake me.

I just have to stand on that when the doubt tries to creep in.

Psalm 27:9-10

^9-10 You’ve always been right there for me;
    don’t turn your back on me now.
Don’t throw me out, don’t abandon me;
    you’ve always kept the door open.
My father and mother walked out and left me,
    but God took me in.