~According to the Census Bureau’s January 2024 survey, the percentage of people experiencing anxiety or depression remains double that of pre-pandemic levels. Across all ages, over a fifth of adults – and more than a third of those under 30 – reported feeling anxious or depressed.

***So quick side note… I fully intended to post  a few days ago… however, as I was polishing up what I wrote to post, the Lord said, “I need you to put this away for later and start a new post.”

But…

“Now is not the time for it.”

I’m still pushing back and thinking, “Are you sure because this one is pretty much ready to po… “

Yep… Got it.

*I hit save, open a blank word document, and start typing

I’m so thankful His ways are higher than my ways, and He knows what’s up, because I surely do not. Haha

Non the less, here we go

I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, anxiety, and eventually c-ptsd. (Complex post-traumatic stress disorder.)

Major Depressive Disorder, or clinical depression is a chemical imbalance and is different from situational depression.

With how little mental illness is talked about in general, I couldn’t fully grasp the severity of what could happen if these things were left uncontrolled and untreated.

I found this out the hard way when it eventually festered into a beast I could no longer control. It was a giant, wild, stubborn bull, relentlessly trying to buck me off.

I was the rider barely holding on for dear life, flipping and flopping every which way, wearing myself out just trying to stay up. I did this for as long as I possibly could until my strength ran out, and I succumbed to it.

It flung me off like a rag doll.

It won.

At this point, suicide was the best logical answer.

Life was just too painful, and I was completely drained, unable to fight anymore.

I was done….

Or so I thought….

How did I even get here?

Trying to self-reflect and seed through the bad habits I began at an early age isn’t easy.

Whether they were taught intentionally by someone or learned unintentionally based on certain life experiences, it is a very painful process non the less.

While reflecting on my past, I saw many times where I had to minimize my depression for the comfort of others.

I was taught from a young age that there are people out there that have it much worse than I do, so suck it up. I was told “life sucks” and that’s just how it was, so I needed to figure out how to come to terms with it.

What my child brain heard was, “It isn’t that bad, so just bottle it up and keep on moving.” “Put on a mask and fake it so you don’t make others uncomfortable.” It would depress others if I shared my problems and what I’m struggling with, so SSSHHHHHHH!

They already have their own stuff to deal with, so don’t go and add your mess on top.

Hush up.

Keep it quiet and keep it moving.

What I felt was irrelevant and the comfort of others is what is most important.

In time, these thoughts would be confirmed.

I learned that sometimes sharing certain things with people meant opening yourself up to even more pain than you originally had to begin with.

My decisions were reinforced and I continued to bottle everything up and choose the less painful route.

I have tried multiple different depression medications over time.

More often than not, I didn’t have access to adequate health coverage or doctors to get help.

However, the times that I did and was able to begin a new depression medicine, it either made me feel like a zombie, the side effects were terrible, or it just didn’t work.

It was just a bad time.

That lead me to begin a lot of different types of self-medicating to numb the pain. Alcohol, drugs, being reckless and even flirting with danger from time to time.

Not long ago, I began to work closely with my psychiatrist, Dr. Butler, to get my medications and dosages balanced out.

I shared my concerns about taking medication, and how my experience has never been a good one. But Dr. Butler truly believed that medicine does work and has seen it.

He did explain however, that it’s like a puzzle; you have to find the right type of medication AND the right dosage. He also said it wasn’t always just one medicine either, but maybe a combination of medicine working together to help me balance out the chemical imbalance.

For me it would mean that I would take two medications consistently, and in the beginning, I would take one medication to help ease my symptoms until the others built up enough in my system. I was also prescribed one medicine as an emergency medicine for anxiety attacks, not to be taken consistently.

I take 20mg of Vybriid and 450mg of Wellbutrin daily for my depression. This is my constant. At the beginning for the first few months we added in Rexulti, which helped minimize the symptoms of depression I dealt with until the other two medications built up enough in my system, then I was tapered off of it slowly.

For my anxiety, I started with .25mg of Xanax to use in emergency situations when I was having an anxiety attack. However, since addiction runs high in my family, we decided to switch to Valium instead because it has less addictive properties than xanax had.

He told me that along with medicine, psychotherapy would play a vital role in my healing process, because our trauma shows up in so many ways we aren’t fully aware of, and our body holds on to that.

This meant many different types of therapy for me.

To start with I went to an intensive outpatient program Monday thru Friday from 9am to 3pm for eight weeks. I did Group therapy a couple times a week, met with my personal therapist once a week, attended a cognitive behavioral therapy class, and did Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing or EMDR, which helps your brain process and release traumatic memories through your eye movements. What could normally take therapy years to process, could be processed in a few sessions. Once we can process what we went through, overcoming it is much more attainable.

Shortly after getting my medicines regulated, and working through my traumas in a healthy way, I felt called and made the decision to recommit my life to Christ.

Fully invested in this decision and all in, I still struggled with whether or not to share that I battle depression, anxiety, and that I attempted suicide.

There is a huge stigma around mental illness and suicide, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready or strong enough to fully take that on yet.

Because unfortunately, in my personal experience, Christians have not only not been the most supportive when it came to this subject, they have often made me feel worse.

Whether or not it was intentional, I would feel more guilt and shame from them about it vs. someone who wasn’t a Christian.

This meant that sharing how I battled depression and anxiety and the reasons behind my suicide attempt was completely out of the question.

I already judged myself.

BIG TIME.

I didn’t need to be judged by others.

I didn’t want to be seen as a sad, pessimistic person.

That’s not who I was.

That’s not who I am.

Because when you say you’re depressed, that’s exactly how you’re seen and labeled.

While I don’t think the intent of other Christians was to be malicious, that didn’t stop it from hurting or doing any less damage.

It still wrecks your entire spirit, and you are left feeling hopeless all over again.

It solidifies the fact that, once again, you should have never been comfortable enough to be vulnerable and open up to anyone.

I would hear things like, “You have to let go and let God.”

“You just have to have more faith.”

“This isn’t something you have released and given to god yet, and it has a stronghold on you.”

“You’re being oppressed; you need to pray for deliverance.”

I didn’t “need a therapist, I just needed Jesus.”

I would be looked down on like I was tainted for needing and relying on medication and therapy.

This did 2 things that are extremely detrimental to anyone, let alone someone battling depression and anxiety.

First, it completely invalidated my mental illness and diminished what I was battling through.

This is an absolute way to ensure someone doesn’t open up or reach out to anyone for help.

The second thing, and probably most damaging concerning my walk with Christ, was that I believed I wasn’t worthy.

I loaded an immense amount of shame and guilt onto myself.

What I had already been saying to myself many times over, was now being confirmed by others.

I wasn’t deserving enough to be healed, and it was my fault because I was using medication as a crutch rather than rely on God.

I went back and forth with myself and felt I had done something very wrong.

I was talking to a therapist, seeking counseling, and learning about things like cognitive distortions instead of “giving it to God”

However, I also didn’t want to give back any progress I had made in my mental health journey.

What is wrong with me?

Some days I felt like I just didn’t have enough faith.

On worse days however, I questioned if I had any kind of faith at all.

I regularly questioned myself and if I would ever be deserving enough to be set free these things.

Did God see or care for me at all?

I mean, for real though, if he truly did, then why would he be so far away and stay so silent, when it was very clear that I needed him?

What if all the terrible things I did and mistakes I made, cause me to be too far gone?

So… what do I do?

Am I supposed to stop taking my medicine as an act of faith and let God heal me?

Or is this a test that I am supposed to push through and hold on so I can show the tenacity of my faithfulness?

Ugh. I just don’t know.

For a long time, I struggled and I didn’t know what to do.

Then someone shared a story as an example that helped me come to terms with being medicated AND being faithful to God.

This woman said she shared with other people in the body of Christ, how she battled OCD, another mental illness. A woman she shared that with, who probably thought she was being loving and encouraging, told her she just “Needed to have more faith and give it to Jesus. Then she would be healed.”

That woman happened to be wearing glasses, so the first woman told her, in all love, “If that is all it takes, then you should be able to take your glasses off tonight, and drive home in the dark without them and have no issues getting there… According to your faith.”

That can be a very hurtful statement to someone, regardless of the intent.

Somone needing glasses to see and someone needing medicine for a chemical imbalance may not even have anything to do with a lack of faith.

She shared how unbiblical that statement was, as there were many stories in the bible where Jesus didn’t heal someone, and it wasn’t because of their lack of faith.

Just look at the Apostle Paul.

He was plagued by a thorn in his side. The Lord didn’t heal him, and he didn’t lack faith.

BINGO!

This was my lightbulb moment!

This opened my eyes to a huge revelation that gave me such a peace and put my spirit at ease.

There are so many reasons someone may not be healed.

Some that have absolutely nothing to do with a lack of faith.

I understood that sometimes it doesn’t have anything to do with the size of our faith or lack thereof and has everything to do with simply living in a broken world.

And even with all the faith in the world, the Lord may still decide not to heal us or keep us from certain hardships, and it would have nothing to do with us, our faith, or anything we have or haven’t done.

It could have to do with Him getting ALL the glory.

And rightfully so.

Maybe it’s because someone will be brought to Christ through the very things we weren’t healed from and the experiences we’ve had to endure!

I started devoting intentional time to spend with Jesus and be in his word, searching for answers to my questions and trying to learn about His character and who He was.

As I did, something changed in me.

Seeking Him out became more important than my comfort, and my courage grew.

A church I began attending nearby opened up some connect groups so we could get involved in and meet new people.

I was apprehensive at first because I was new at the church, and the majority of the groups were at people’s houses.

As I said, my comfort completely went to the wayside, and I felt led to join the women’s connect group that got together weekly….

with a group of women…

that I had never met before…

SHUT UP!!

Who was this person?!

I don’t like to go out to eat alone, yet I somehow had enough courage to show up at a stranger’s house in hopes that I would learn and understand more about who Jesus was and meet people who could help me while I was learning what my walk with Jesus looked like.

During these connect groups, I met so many wonderful women.

Women who lifted me up and taught me about being graceful.

Women who didn’t condemn or scold me while looking down on me from way up on their high horse.

Women who showed me so much kindness, love, and an immense amount grace.

Women who allowed me to be completely vulnerable about what I was battling with and didn’t judge me.

Women who were gentle and loving with their words and were able to be an encouragement while still speaking truth into my life.

Women who taught me that I was made to do life WITH Jesus, not just FOR Jesus, and the different ways that looked, as they were all in different seasons of their lives.

They allowed me to be vulnerable about what I thought I was doing all wrong in my walk with Jesus and helped sway my perspective at times when I was not very graceful with myself.

They shared ways they had fallen short, and because of the fact that we’re all human, we will all fall short, which is exactly why we all NEED Jesus!!

These women grew into amazing sisters in Christ, close friends, and people I do life with.

Is this really what the body of Christ was intended to look like?

Where you are able to share your struggles with others, and instead of judging you, they honestly love and pray FOR YOU.

They don’t fight with you.

Instead, they go to battle, FOR YOU!

They don’t talk about you; they pray OVER YOU!

They show you what a genuine and raw walk with Christ can look like in how they react, respond, and love others so well.

I don’t hide the fact that I have MDD, deal with anxiety, and meet with a therapist regularly anymore.

That me is dead and gone!

I don’t hide that I attempted suicide, and still actively take medicine to control my mental illnesses.

I’m not ashamed anymore. It no longer has any grip on me.

In fact, the Lord continues to increase the boldness that’s inside of me, so that I share my story with others without hesitation, and they can know they aren’t alone in this fight.

So that they know someone else who has had those exact same struggles, thoughts, and issues, overcame them!

So that they know someone else who has been through the same thing they have or similar, and that there is hope and it does get better.

So they know that they have someone in their corner who went through similar fires and trials and tribulations AND made it out AND is now actively trying to pull others out too!!

While sharing my story, I can tell them about the love of Jesus and how much He has done for me.

People who knew me Before Christ, and still know me now say, “Something is different about you. I can’t pinpoint it. You look different, but don’t look different at the same time.”

I just smile knowing exactly what they mean and what it is.

I can share how it is a change from the inside out.

I can share that I didn’t have to get my stuff together before I could come to Jesus.

I went to Him as a full-on hot mess, loaded down with baggage, hanging on at the end of my rope and ready to call it quits.

He changed me.

He is cleaning up my mess and sorting out my baggage.

He is doing all the heavy lifting.

He does his best work in the messiest situations.

He takes the broken shards that are left of us and uses them to make something brand new.

In this way, he is able to show his power and all that he is able to do.

Go off Jesus!!

Mental illness isn’t something that is made up.

Depression and anxiety and the pain that comes with them are very real.

Taking medicine for a mental illness doesn’t define you, and it definitely doesn’t show a lack of faith in Jesus.

These things show that we are human, living in a fallen world, and that we have dealt with some really heavy things that eventually broke us.

It shows that taking medicine for a mental illness and chemical imbalance shouldn’t be seen any different than someone who needs glasses to help them see.

Yes, medicine helps.

Yes, therapy is necessary at times.

BUT SO IS JESUS AND READING THE BIBLE!

Outside of medicine and therapy, the thing that has kept me consistently grounded and rooted is my relationship with Jesus.

Being able to grow in my identity, and learning to stand in my authority.

His word says to take every thought captive.

This is imperative and especially vital for someone like me, who has a history of ruminating on intrusive thoughts.

I talk to Jesus AND my therapist.

I read my word AND take my medicine daily.

BOOM!!

Mental illness is a flaw in chemistry, not character.

Matthew 11:28-30 TPT

 “Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.”

***These are a few songs God sent me while writing this

**See A Victory – Elevation worship

(The weapon may be formed but it won’t prosper,

When the darkness falls, it won’t prevail.

‘Cause the God I serve knows only how to triumph

My God will never fail

~You take what the enemy meant for evil and you turn it for good)

**Truth Be Told – Matthew West

(Lie number one: You’re supposed to have it all together

And when they ask how you’re doing, just smile and tell them “Never better”

Lie number two: Everybody’s life is perfect except yours

So keep your messes and your wounds and your secrets safe with you behind closed doors)