How to navigate this season while grieving.

There was a season where just getting out of bed felt like a victory. I wasnt searching for success or “purpose” … I was searching for air. For peace. How to rid myself of this weight I felt on my chest. For God in the silence.
And here is some of what Im learning while going thru this season and what going thru trauma healing and grief taught me…
There is a part of trauma recovery where grief will finally set in.
Whether the grief is from working through trauma or losing a loved one, the process has some of the same components.

Grief will strip away everything false or fake.
It teaches us how to sit with pain instead of rushing through it, like the world often pushes us to do.
It showed me that healing isnt loud… even if it feels so heavy that it will crush you, its often quiet, slow, and sacred.
Living through grief made me a better mama, wife, sister, friend ect… because… I’m learning I cant “fix” people… I can’t rush healing timelines…. I try not to offer a cliche saying or word when someone is hurting…. I know what survival mode actually looks like, because I’ve lived there, at times for too long unfortunately.
I’m learning how to hold space for myself and for others. How to listen deeply, and discern what often doesnt have words. I am learning how to walk beside someone instead of pulling and dragging them forward with me.
Most importantly, grief taught me how God meets us in the valley… not just after we get out of it. If youre walking through grief, loss, or a season that changed you forever, know this… YOUR PAIN IS NOT WASTED! And You dont have to walk through it alone. 

Just a few tips I picked up…

We should feel honored if we have the opportunity to experience the ministry of presence, and come along side someone in their time of need and grief.

A couple of things not to say to a person in mourning…

*At least theyre in a better place…. this isnt helpful…  because while that may be true, while they’re crying their eyes out, reminding them of this is can often be hurtful.
*Theres a reason for everything… Imagine if Jesus said this to Mary and Martha when he showed up at the tomb of Lazarus. But he didn’t. He allowed space for their grief and came along side them while they were in it, and Jesus wept with them.
*What happened?! Whats the story… this is a need to know basis… We were called to be people who mourn with those who mourn. Not validate that they have a good enough reason to mourn. It doesnt matter what happened, what matters is that the person who is experiencing loss and grief is mourning. Thats it and thats all.

So what do you say in these moments?

Sometimes nothing can be said.
You just sit with them. Be WITH them. Allow them to lead with the talking at their pace.
And if you have to say anything, just say, I am so sorry. I cant imagine how this feels for you. Be honest. Say, I dont know what to say right now, but I am here and I’m not going anywhere.
Your job wont be to fix them by saying something to make it better. But the power of presence is mighty.
Lets be people who mourn with people who mourn, and sit with them in the silence and solitude, and truly practice the ministry of presence.

Lastly and more specifically to holidays and how we can navigate grief around the holidays…

Acknowledge your feelings, without trying to change them. Its okay to feel sad, or angry, or bitter, or happy, and its okay if you’re okay, and its okay if you’re not okay, or any mix of these feelings. You may feel all the emotions in a very short period of time. You may feel flooded with emotion or just mehh… Dont judge yourself and dont be hard on yourself for how you’re experiencing loss during the holidays. This is normal.
Set realistic expectations for yourself. This holiday season doesnt have to look like it normally would. Its completely okay if it looks different. This can be for just the time being, or something new moving forward. Take off and throw away the expectations you have of “normal” right now. Because right now is anything but normal.
You may need to set some boundaries during this season, especially if this is your first holiday in grief. You may have to say no to things, you may have to preserve your peace by limiting certain interactions, or decline invitations. However this looks for you to not over extend yourself. 
Create a space, little pockets of joy, peace, or calmness, that help you feel the joy of this season.
Do something small everyday.  
Navigating grief during a holiday season is messy. Grief doesnt take a break or clock out because the holidays are here. Often times, big events and holidays heighten and shine a spotlight on grief. 
When a hard day is coming, your body already knows and starts grieving ahead of time.
This is why you are exhausted, scattered, or overwhelmed. Your nervous system is bracing itself, sometimes before your brain logically puts 2 and 2 together.
• Regulate before the day/event arrives. Grief makes your body hold its breath, so to speak. So do the opposite, take slow, low, deep belly breaths, elongating the exhale afterward. Have your hands on your heart or your ribs. These little things tell our nervous system that we are safe enough in that moment. For me personally, I put timers on my phone throughout the day during these tough times to check in with myself and my body and see where I’m at. Am I muscle armoring? Am I taking shallower breaths. These are very much being done subconsciously for me. So checking in pulls me back to the here and now. Depending on where I was at, those timers would be set anywhere from 90 minutes apart, to a few hours, to once or twice a day.
• Create a bare minimum plan. Not your ideal holiday and what you think it “should be”,  but a survival plan version of this holiday season. One or two doable things that you do daily. Drink extra water, get outside and get some sun on your skin and breath in fresh air. Keep your meals super simple, leave an event early if you need to, and give yourself permission to do less. 
• Make space for your person. This is emotional education at it’s root. What we honor, the feelings and the emotions, can move, and contrary, what we supress, will get stuck. We want movement. Stagnation will make us sick. Light your loved ones favorite scented candle, tell your favorite story of them, write a letter to them. It doesnt have to be a big thing, it just needs to be and feel honest and true to you.
• Let the waves come. They will come and they will go. And we often dont have control of when and where that happens. Grief is a full body experience. Physically, mentally, emotionally. Its the tears, the tight chest, the lump in your throat, this is your body metabolising love. Your not doing anything wrong and you’re not doing this season wrong. You’re doing what a grieving heart naturally does. So allow space for this process to happen.
If this season feels heavy, your not failing. Your grieving in a culture that wants you to pretend to be okay and “fake it till you make it” But you dont have to pretend. Honor that sacred contradiction of love and loss. Your love didnt disappear, and neither will your grief. Both deserve that space, and both get to exist, and both are welcome. 
Jesus was the prince of peace, and if he can hold both peace and grief at the same time, we can too. 

 So give yourself some grace as you make your way through this season of grief. 

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.